:: Sextionary: Part 2 This Generation’s Guide to Getting Down and Dirty
So, I managed to grab your attention, did I? Awesome, then my job here is almost done. But I hate to leave you hanging any longer than necessary so I’ll get down to business, all puns intended.
I mentioned in the first part of this sextionary that in the midst of my barrage of “what do you mean by hooking up?” questions I realized that our campus is confused, but that wasn’t the moment that it HIT me. I can’t hold out any longer so it’s time for me to tell you just when the light bulb over my head went off.
It happened, as the best conversations tend to, at the bar. A friend of mine was discussing with a formal fling whether or not they had, in fact, hooked up. There was quite a bit of debate, fueled both by liquor and their desire for the last word, and it occurred to me that no one really knows what they’re talking about after a night of swapping spit.
The very first definition for “hooking up” on UrbanDictionary.com is: “An incredibly ambiguous phrase that drives me absolutely insane when people use it.” Girl and boy separate, go back to their respective posses, and relate the events of their night, each using different terminology but both meaning the same thing. I even encountered, thanks to the wonders of Google, an individual who believed that “making out” meant having sex. Clearly we are in need of some structure for our smooching.
According to msnbc.com (wow, I’m racing so far beyond “nerd” that it’s actually scaring me) hookups describe “one-time sexual encounters—anything from kissing to intercourse—between acquaintances who’ve no plans to even talk afterward, let alone repeat the experience.” Hm, well, that rings a bell. Sounds pretty much like every conversation I’ve overheard in classes, on busses, in lines; basically anywhere on campus that allows cell phones. People whose friends aren’t sure whether “hooking up” meant that their ass-getting gal pal had had sex or just made out. That’s when I was introduced to the term “PA hookup” and it really cleared things up for me. Apparently it’s only in PA that people confuse the concept of hooking up, thus causing my friend to coin the term “PA hookup.”
The ambiguity of the hookup is so earth-shattering that Tom Wolfe even dedicated space on the pages of one of his books to talk about it, saying how the baseball terminology of yore has even become a little more…advanced. Well this is all well and good, but how does that help you? I’m getting there, so just be patient. Actually…um…your patience paid off and I’m at the point. So here it is, for your all nookie needs: the sextionary.
Making Out a.k.a. Making Out: A nice nostalgic throwback to the days of making out on your parents couch under the guise of “watching a movie.”
Kindergarten Hookup a.k.a. The One-Up Make Out Hookup: You’ve moved past making out but you’re not about to trade your halo for horns.
Manual Hookup a.k.a. The Third Base Hookup: Moving up the love ladder, you’ve taken your “relationship” a bit further…south.
PA Hookup a.k.a. The Everything But Hookup: You moved past the manual stages but you’re not giving your mother the chance to ask you who will want to buy the cow when they can get the milk for free.
The Mistake Hookup a.k.a. The One Shot Too Many Hookup: You may have spooned. You may have rounded third base. You just wish you could remember.
The “Insert Dirty Verb Here” Hookup a.k.a. The All The Way Hookup: Um, I think this one is pretty self-explanatory, but I could be wrong. In fact, everything I’ve told you guys up to this point would prove me wrong so I’ll spell it out for you. I’m talking about sex, baby.
The “Yeah, we’re hooking up” Hookup a.k.a. The “Weekend Boy/Girlfriend” Hookup: This is your standard booty call hookup. No one wants a relationship but a little loving on the weekends never hurt anyone. And there’s no rule against emergency Tuesday night calls.
So, I managed to grab your attention, did I? Awesome, then my job here is almost done. But I hate to leave you hanging any longer than necessary so I’ll get down to business, all puns intended. 
